Recently, I attended the funeral of someone I’ve known for a long time.
I had not connected with him or his family since I ended my relationship with one of his family members in 2003. As I drove through the mountains towards the funeral home, I turned off the radio and drove in silence. I was flooded with memories. I thought about my career there, my friendships, my past relationship, and the life I had lived.
“Videos” of fun times I had with the deceased man ran through my mind as well. He let me know he was at peace.
Not one to avoid difficult situations, I steadied myself. I expected an icy reception from a few people who were unhappy I left 23 years ago.
I was grateful when a longtime friend greeted me with a smile. She said, “I was hoping you would come.” I received an unexpected hug from a boy who had grown into a man in my absence as well.
Not everyone offered forgiveness or even a smile, and that was OK too. It was a transformative experience regardless.
Clearing Out the Cobwebs
While attending a funeral was not exactly what I might call shadow work, it did allow the opportunity to acknowledge and address old feelings.
The concept of the shadow self is based on the premise that life’s experiences can remain embedded in the unconscious mind. Early feelings of being unloved can create fear of abandonment and trust issues later in life.
Buried trauma can manifest itself consciously in all kinds of ways, including jealousy, aggression, depression, discontent, anxiety, power struggles, and self-sabotage, to name a few. Swiss Psychiatrist Carl Jung called the shadow self “the blind spot of the psyche.” The key is to recognize the shadow part of yourself, love it and incorporate it rather than ignore it.
“Shadow work is trauma work as we heal wounded parts of ourselves – a lot of shadows were created as part of developmental or attachment trauma when we were children, when we didn’t have the resources to deal with our emotions fully and so are stored in our nervous system and in the stories we tell ourselves.” – Conni Biesalski
Just Let it Go
Sometimes we hide our true feelings or avoid our own inner thoughts by staying busy. We create a long list of “to do’s” for ourselves to avoid inner reflection. The problem is that stagnant feelings can limit us or manifest as illness in the body.
In the article, “The Power of Letting Go,” author Carley Hauck says that by letting go of the story, the stuff and the busyness we can have more quality time, more personal freedom and more connections in life.
“What story can you let go of? What story do you want to cultivate that creates more peace and balance? This is one that I use often: “I am being fully supported and have everything that I need right now.” I automatically feel more peace and inner stability after a minute of repeating this phrase. We can replace the old story with something more supportive at any time during the day or simply repeat it over and over as a way to calm the mind and body.” – Carley Hauck
If your internal thoughts cause you not to be able to move forward physically or mentally, there are other alternatives. It may help to exercise, meditate or talk to a therapist or an intuitive for an outside perspective. You can also disengage by replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk. I call it being kind to self.
Eliminating Stagnation with the RAIN Technique
Multiple guided meditations exist on YouTube® to help you get “unstuck.” The RAIN technique is a popular option.
Recognize (Identify the emotion)
Allow (Let the emotion exist)
Investigate (Explore the emotion with kindness)
Nurture (Be compassionate with yourself and detach from the emotion that is holding you back)
Tara Brach offers a 20-minute guided meditation. I would recommend wearing headphones and finding a quiet place. That way you can listen to this meditation for 20 minutes without interruption.
Self-Heal Through Breathwork
Emotion-based feelings are impermanent most of the time. That means you can incorporate breathing techniques to calm down and reset yourself.
When you are in a panic, acknowledge the feeling. Ask yourself is this internal (emotional) or external (stressful event)? If it’s anxiety, distract yourself by looking at other things such as naming the color of things around you. Try breathing slowly through your nose or through your diaphragm (versus rapid chest breathing) and tell yourself: “I am safe.”
Incorporate breathing methods such as:
- Box Breathing: breath in, hold for a count of four, breath out, hold for a count of four.
- 4-7-8 Breathing: Inhale through the nose for 4 seconds, hold 7, exhale through the mouth for 8 seconds. Repeat.
- Alternate Nostril Breathing (used in Yoga): Alternate closing each nostril and breathing out of one than the other to promote calm.
- Conscious Connected Breathing (used in some forms of meditation): Continuous breathing.
Churning up old feelings within the body can be a scary experience. Nurture yourself when you come across a feeling that has been around for a long time. Be compassionate with yourself. Put your hands over your heart and tell yourself it is going to be OK.
One of my old teachers recommended this simple mantra: “Keep saying Feel Better, Feel Better, Feel Better, until you believe it!”
Looking for Guidance in Your Life?
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